I do not like cabbage. Therefore, I have decided that cabbage does not exist.
The claims of scientists that cabbage does exist are merely unproven hypotheses.
The evidence offered for the existence of cabbage is either flawed, or the science has been done improperly; as it posits the existence of a nonexistent thing, it must therefore be based on error.
It makes no difference to my conclusion how many other people say that cabbage does exist, or how expert they are on the subject; they are simply jumping on the cabbage bandwagon; they are in it for the money, and no consensus on the existence of cabbage will be meaningful while there are still a few, honest people like me who continue to challenge this claim.
On occasions, someone has pointed to a green, roughly spherical object and said; ‘Look, a cabbage.’ I am willing to accept that there may be some circumstances under which cabbage-like objects may exist, but this is not definitive proof, as the object is just as likely to be a papier mache model, and everyone knows how unlike real life models are. Anyone who believes, from the output of models, that cabbage is clearly present, is simply mistaken. The resemblance to a cabbage is coincidental.
As I do not accept the existence of cabbage, I am not afraid of bing fed cabbage, or of the consequences of being fed cabbage.
I have a suspicion that the claims of the existence of cabbage may be motivated by a conspiracy of governments who want us to change our meat-eating habits, restrain our traditional freedoms and/or find an excuse to take more of our wealth in the form of tax.
Thirty years ago, they said that we were entering a cabbage-free world; why should I listen know if they start telling me the opposite?
My stance on cabbage is self-evidently rational and scientific, so anyone who contradicts it is ipso facto either an idiot or a gullible fool, or both.
I am not a member of the House of Lords.
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October 15, 2007 at 11:27 pm
S2
I agree completely.
The Cabbage followers plainly have it all wrong. What they are doing is pointing at Brussels sprouts, and extrapolating. They are truly making mountains out of molehills.
Even Brussels sprouts are on the decline. I don’t think I’ve seen them on the menu since last Christmas, or possibly the one before that (it’s difficult remembering what I ate when followed by quantities of Port and Brandy).
All sprouts are, of course, imported from China - I take a walk around the gardens every couple of months, and I’ve never seem a native sprout (much less a cabbage). I’ve heard that the world will be totally devoid of sprouts by 2030 (something to do with golden pentangles, I can’t quite remember the details).
“Ipso facto”, eh? I take it you read Classics? Good man! Oxford, or Cambridge?
October 16, 2007 at 12:34 am
fergusbrown
Everyone knows that Brussels Sprouts are a part of natural seasonal variability, and highly regionalised. Most of them vanished in 1998 anyway, at least, there are no more around now than there were then.
Perhaps what we need is a proper way of assessing vegetables. As these two similar but distinct hypothetical vegetables are both green, verdancy might be the best measure of cabbageness; by calculating the relative greenness, we can thus establish the proximity to a cabbage.
Another thing to watch out for is the smart-alecs who try to claim that the existence of certain butterflies is a good proxy for cabbage, being closely dependent on them. It is likely, though, that the number of cabbage-whites has been tampered with, thus invalidating the cabbage-white/cabbage relationship.
You picked up on the tag; good show! As Lord Peter Wimsey once said, ‘To the ignorant, a capacity for an apt quotation is often mistaken for wit.’ Likewise, the capacity to use such redundancies with apparent facility, especially when conjoined with a certain je ne sais quoi in the verbal felicity department, imbues one’s perorations with an ambience of authority in direct counter-proportion to the intellects of both utterer and audience.
October 16, 2007 at 6:46 am
Steve Bloom
Fergus, it takes a lot of brassica to say stuff like that.
I’m reminded of a classic New Yorker cartoon: A small boy and his parents are seated at the dinner table. The boy is glaring at the contents of his plate, and says “I say it’s spinach, and I say to hell with it!”
October 16, 2007 at 8:11 am
Roger
Have you thought about making this a light bulb joke?
October 18, 2007 at 9:27 am
inel
Roger, is that a light bulb, or a light bulb?
(Baby onion or CFL?)
By the way, Steve, I heard a teenager ask a pertinent question last week, w.r.t. a discussion of AIT, TGGWS, et al, which I shall paraphrase in American vernacular:
“We’re all going to hell in a handbasket, so let’s Turn on the Bright Lights and party! Q.E.D.”
:-*(